“Portnoy’s Complaint” by Dan Grossman

Portnoy’s Complaint

Not the Philip Roth novel 
where the narrator
cums on his sister’s bra 
while wanking on the toilet

but David Portnoy visiting
Indy to do pizza reviews
arriving outside Bazbeaux
on Mass Ave.

While taking measure 
of the pie in the box
saying it’s way too heavy
he takes one bite 

that confirms his preconceptions;
“Looks like the Bermuda 
triangle of cheese … “
He tells his YouTube base

to have their brain “taken out”
if they like this pie
but I want to tell him
that not all pizza needs be

 New York style.
Not all pizza needs be
in your face 
like Travis Bickle.    

You can like different pizzas
your shrink will tell you:
we all have different ways
of getting off.

—from Mindfucking Roundabouts of Carmel, Indiana: Poems and Short Prose by Dan Grossman