“Hoosier Carbon Zero” by Dan Grossman

Hoosier Carbon Zero

I was invited to be a scribe for the Hoosier Carbon Zero event on Mass Ave, Indy’s hippest strip of asphalt. There was a speaker whose answer to climate change was networking. There was food, there was an open bar, and there was a compost bin for the trash. I got into a discussion with one dude in the rooftop garden about his “ecometer” that, after measuring your eating habits, gas consumption, and toilet paper usage, cranks out a carbon footprint score from 1 to 10.  “But my scale goes to 11,” I said. He didn’t seem to appreciate the joke. I didn’t tell him I was, for the moment, doing DoorDash deliveries—not the most carbon neutral side-hustle in the world—to make ends meet. Nor did I mention my Dasher status to the next dude I talked to. He pitched me an idea for an essay titled, “What do you, me, and Adolf Hitler have in common?”  The upshot: we are all Hitler because we are making the atmosphere our gas chamber. In response, I noted Godwin’s Law, which states that the longer an online discussion lasts, the more likely Hitler will be brought up by way of comparison. The corollary effect, I said, would be to shut down conversation. “It was nice to meet you,” the dude said, shutting down the conversation. On the way home I did some Dasher deliveries. I was forced to wait 20 minutes in a McDonalds drive-thru line to pick up an order because they had closed their lobby. A man wearing a fedora and a suit was asking for handouts from the drivers trapped in the line. “I’m a veteran and people are treating me like shit,” he said. “Will you help me out?” I only had a dollar bill in my wallet and that’s what I handed him.  He looked at me as if I had just handed him a piece of shit. I declined my next McDonald’s order because I didn’t want to wait another half an hour in line for four dollars, burning gas, losing my patience, and being hit up for handouts. So I headed to the nearest Taco Bell, where I knew the lobby would be open. I could grab the food and go without idling like some sky Nazi in the drive-thru.