“Bagel & Lox (The Jewish version of Diamond and Silk)” by Dan Grossman
I picked up two members of the tribe at Bagel Fair and they both sat down in the back. The name on my Uber app: “Bagel & Lox.” One looked like a sunburned Woody Allen. The other one looked like a middle-aged David Schwimmer.
The latter was setting up his cellphone on a gyro stabilizer. “Welcome to the Bagel & Lox Podcast,” he said as we turned onto 86th St. “We’re sampling the best bagels in Indianapolis on the way to an engagement at NorthWay Church.”
Then the Woody Allen lookalike chimed in: “But we’ve got more important things than kibitzing on bagels today, right Lox?”
“Damn straight, Bagel,” said the Schwimmer type. “Our question for today is whether Donald Trump was schmeared in the last election.” At that point, Bagel pulled a bialy out of the bag and bit into it. “Oh, delish,” he smacked, handing the bialy to Lox. “This is the best bialy west of Newark.”
Lox took a bite deeper into the bialy, setting a mixture of poppy seeds, garlic, and olive oil airborne. “Now, we were told Bagel Fair only makes bialys on Sunday,” he said while masticating. “Which means it’s a rare kinda thing, kinda like our boy Trump.”
Bagel grabbed the bialy back from Lox as we turned north on Keystone. “Now it’s perfectly fine to eat a bialy without a schmear, but that’s not to everyone’s taste,” he said. “And Trump wasn’t to everyone’s taste. But you know what Trump had that Biden doesn’t, Lox?
They both chimed in on cue; “He’s got chutzpah!”
The church I was transporting this pair to, on the corner of 96th and Keystone, was five stories high and gold-colored, caddy corner to the Mercedes dealership. The church’s bell tower was, rumor had it, covered in gold leaf.
“They wanted Diamond and Silk but they got us!” Lox said with a laugh. “A couple of Christ killers!”
We pulled into the line of cars queued in the parking lot. “Are you anti-Semitic, driver?” Bagel asked me. “I ask that because I saw your blood libel glare, just now, in the rearview.”
Lox chimed in; “Now don’t defend yourself by saying you’re in the community. I mean, we saw your Jewish nose, right?”
I put the car in park and looked back at the two.
“No, it’s just that I’m pissed,” I said. “It’s just not kosher the way you guys spewed bialy crumbs and garlic all over my car seat.”
