“Mansplanations” by Dan Grossman
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Mansplanations
When my daughter complained of the manspreader
who sat next to her at her high school graduation rehearsal,
I was driving her back down to her commencement
at the Indiana State Fairgrounds Coliseum
during evening rush hour.
“We men don’t just spread with our thighs,” I told her
as “All Right Now” segued into Roger Daltrey
bellowing “Bargain” on Q94.
“We spread with our music as well.”
The traffic was heavy on Keystone Ave.,
so I chose an alternate route to the Fairgrounds
but my daughter wasn’t happy.
“Why aren’t you following the GPS?” Naomi asked
and I explained it to her.
By that time, we had made it to College Avenue
and Q94 was on a commercial break.
The DJ’s wife touted an erectile dysfunction pill
in the first spot, saying she was “hardly disappointed
by the product.” An Aussie-accented dude promoted
a hair-replacement clinic in the second.
It occurred to me, as I sped up to 65 m.p.h.,
that I was in the target demographic for this ad.
It also occurred to me that it was possible
to cut the number of ads in half
by hybridizing the product.
“They should combine a hair growth pill with an ED treatment,”
I told Naomi.
“But the pill designers better be careful
no hair grows down under.”
Naomi rolled her eyes as we came into gridlock,
20 minutes before the start of commencement,
half a mile from the Fairgrounds Coliseum.
She was still mad because I hadn’t listened to her
when she’d said earlier,
“We should give ourselves at least an hour to get there.”
